Back in 2003, I wanted a weight loss miracle in gastric bypass surgery, but I didn’t get it… at least not at first.
I started around 276 pounds at my heaviest and dropped to 160 pounds during the 18-month “window of opportunity.” I thought weight loss would “fix” me, but I was still miserable. My life felt like it was collapsing, so I turned back to my old habits of eating, and my weight climbed back up to 200 pounds. I was first in line to take the crown for poster child of gastric bypass failure.
It took me hitting rock bottom in ALL areas of my life in the summer of 2010 (job, relationship, family) to realize that thinking positively and choosing to find things to be passionate about in life, especially exercise, was the true method that would work in creating a better me.
I began to lose weight again by making better diet choices and playing hours of tennis, burning enough calories where I could still eat occasional junk food. Something inside of me turned on, and at the age of 37, I felt like I was 17 again. I dropped down to 129 pounds and felt a power I had never felt before.
I just turned 40 this past May, and I still haven’t reached the point where I want to be in my current body because cosmetic surgery isn’t covered by insurance. I had lipo-suction to remove the excess fatty tissue that we can never lose, but I don’t have the money for excess skin removal surgery.
It bothers me when people don’t know or try to understand how self-conscious I am about my saggy skin and scars. The thought of being seen in a bathing suit terrifies me. I am even dreading my family reunion cruise next month because I don’t want to wear a swimsuit with how terrible my thighs look. I know my kids want me to swim and the last thing I want to do is to let them down again, so I am faced with a difficult decision of disappointing my children or fighting the disgust I feel at my body.
I try to maintain the positive attitude that got me to where I am today and to remember it’s only me who can change my thinking, however, the slightest stressor throws me off course and into a downward spiral towards depression. I KNOW I don’t want to ever be the old me again, so with this article uploaded, it’s time to go back to channeling positive energies to change my way of thinking about next month’s cruise.
After all, I suppose I can always look for a new bathing suit that has a skirt bottom.